Are parents accountable for their children's behaviour?

Imagine you are six years old.

The class bully shoves you. You shove back.

A broken nose later, you’re with two adults who can (a) explain to you how violence never solves anything or (b) admonish you for adding to their workload by getting hurt. Now imagine that these people are your parents.

A decade later, you’ll either switch channels whenever you see blood OR you’ll think that it’s OK to get into fights as long as your folks don’t find out about them.

As toddlers, we develop attributes like trust and hope depending on how much love, affection and security our parents provide us with. (Erikson)

Emotional regulation and stability are instilled in a child through the use of parents as social references. If a distressed child sees her parent unruffled, she will soon learn to be unafraid of the situation. (Bornstein, 2002)

Our sense of morality is understood and internalized thanks to the value education imparted by our parents. (Hoffman)

A 2003 study by Finnish psychologists shows that parental BELIEF in their child’s academic success has a very strong effect on how they actually perform. (Aunola, Nurmi, Lerkkanen and Raku Puttonen)

As for the argument that parents aren’t spending enough time with their children and it’s their friends who really mould them into the people they are, well, THAT is rendered invalid by the findings of studies such as the Parke and Bhavnagari research of 1989 which find a very strong correlation between parental intervention and children’s choice of cohorts and their response to peer pressure, well into adolescence.

This is nothing new. After all, parents have tried to protect their kids from bad company since time immemorial – Shakespeare’s Henry IV famously warned young Hal to avoid “vulgar companions” such as Falstaff.

It’s interesting to note that in a survey carried out on teenagers who dined with their parents more than 5 nights a week, 86% had never tried smoking or drinking. (The National Centre on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, 2003)

Weight problems and career decisions, too, have been found to have been affected most by…you guessed it…parents. (Birch and Fisher, 1998)

Seems like science seems to agree with you when you say, “It’s all my parents fault!”

Before we blame them for everything that goes wrong in our lives though, let’s zoom out. Looking at the big picture, one sees how some great social events and cultural revolutions of our times have happened because of a generation gap. Repressed youth awoke to its vitality in the Flower Power era of the 60s, for example, rebelling against their parents’ straitjacketed mores and ideas.

Nature and nurture are both the fundamental determinants of a human being’s persona. Through genes and DNA on one hand and the milieu that we are exposed to on the other, our parents are directly responsible for both. Tall parents mostly have tall children. Similarly, affectionate and responsive parents who encourage communication raise healthy, productive citizens of the world. Not Bart Simpson.

Our parents are our very first introduction to life. Holding their fingers, we take our first step; hearing their voices we fall asleep and lisping their names, we learn to talk. To discount their contribution to our present and future is not only unfair, it is impossible. We are who we are because of them, for better or for worse. A straight A report card might elicit a “takes after me”. A packet of Marlboro may not. Their neglect or attention decides our self worth and success. Everything we do can be traced back to the teachings they’ve imbibed in us. We cannot forget that.